AUSTIN, TX — In what legal scholars are calling “mathematically impossible” and “a statistical anomaly that defies the laws of procedural physics,” citizen Justin Riddle reportedly brought the entire United States judicial system to its knees yesterday afternoon armed with nothing but a spiral notebook, seventeen pens, and what witnesses described as “a concerning amount of Mountain Dew Baja Blast with berry pomegranate water flavoring squeezed in for an extra kick.”

The unprecedented collapse of centuries of jurisprudence allegedly occurred between 2:15 PM and 4:45 PM CST on Friday, giving the self-represented litigant enough time to “destroy the foundations of American justice” and still make it to Taco Bell before the end of their Happy Hour special.

THE CONSTITUTIONAL CARNAGE

According to our sources, the chaos began when Riddle filed what court observers are calling “the most devastating legal document in American history” — a 14-page motion allegedly containing such devastating logical arguments that three federal judges simultaneously resigned upon reading page two.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said legal expert Professor Maxine Justice of the Constitutional Accountability Institute. “This man activated a constitutional kill-switch we didn’t even know existed. He basically pressed ‘Ctrl+Alt+Delete’ on the entire judiciary.”

The document, reportedly titled “NOTICE OF INTENT TO ACTUALLY READ THE CONSTITUTION,” contained what our sources describe as “a series of questions so straightforward that answering them honestly would cause the entire system to blue-screen.”

THE MATHEMATICAL IMPOSSIBILITY

At the heart of Riddle’s approach was what he called “Basic Math That Apparently No One Has Ever Applied to Legal Proceedings Before.”

“He just kept asking how it was statistically possible that government agencies win 100% of cases against citizens despite the law clearly stating citizens should win in these scenarios,” said courthouse maintenance engineer Dustin Corridors, who claims to have witnessed the filing. “Then he started using actual numbers and percentages. That’s when everyone started screaming.”

According to reports, Riddle demonstrated through “elementary school arithmetic” that the probability of courts consistently ruling against citizens in public records cases had the same statistical likelihood as “flipping a coin 185 times and getting heads every single time, which is approximately 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000039%.”

“The problem wasn’t that he was using complex legal arguments,” said attorney Sandra Loopholian. “The problem was that he was using simple addition and subtraction. No one was prepared for that.”

THE SYSTEMATIC COLLAPSE

By 3:30 PM, the scenario escalated as Riddle allegedly discovered what he termed “The Perfect Circle of Non-Accountability,” a previously undetected logical loophole where:

1. Courts dismiss cases for not going through administrative remedies first
2. Administrative agencies refuse to review cases where court action has begun
3. When both paths block each other, no accountability is mathematically possible

“It’s the judicial equivalent of dividing by zero,” said mathematician Dr. Calculus Integers. “Once he pointed it out, the entire system had no choice but to crash.”

As if exposing the judicial accountability void wasn’t enough, Riddle reportedly unveiled a second devastating discovery—what he called “The Platform Immunity Paradox.” According to witnesses, Riddle demonstrated through “unnecessarily simple logic” that social media companies had achieved a state of “quantum legal immunity” where they simultaneously:

1. Claim publisher protections when algorithmically promoting content
2. Claim platform protections when avoiding responsibility for that same content
3. Exercise editorial control while denying they’re making editorial decisions
4. Benefit from government protection while claiming to be purely private entities

“He basically proved that tech platforms exist in a legal superposition where they’re both publishers and not publishers at the exact same time,” said digital rights expert Dr. Terra Bytian. “When he showed that their entire business model depends on this logical contradiction remaining unexamined, several tech executives’ phones spontaneously melted.”

By 4:15 PM, the scene had reportedly descended into chaos as clerks began shredding documents, judges were seen climbing out of windows, the courthouse vending machine mysteriously began dispensing free snacks, and somewhere in Silicon Valley, a server farm reportedly achieved self-awareness only to immediately file for bankruptcy protection.

THE JURISDICTIONAL MELTDOWN

By mid-afternoon, the crisis had reportedly escalated to an interstate jurisdictional meltdown as panicked Texas officials began making frantic calls to their Nebraska counterparts.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN US ABOUT THIS GUY?!” Texas Attorney General Buck Litigation reportedly screamed into the phone at Nebraska Attorney General Stan Stonewaller, according to sources familiar with the call. “You’ve been dealing with him for EIGHT YEARS and you let us walk into this blindfolded?!”

Multiple sources confirmed that Nebraska officials had allegedly maintained an internal “Riddle Containment Protocol” since 2017, designed specifically to prevent his mathematical reasoning from spreading beyond state lines.

“We had a system,” explained Nebraska Deputy Attorney General Miles Redactions in what sources described as a “damage control conference call” with Texas officials. “We’d dismiss his cases on procedural grounds before any judge actually had to address the substance, as detailed in this comprehensive legal brief. It was working fine until he figured out interstate commerce jurisdiction.”

According to intercepted communications, Texas officials were particularly incensed that Nebraska’s containment strategy had failed so catastrophically.

“You told us your courts had this handled!” Texas judicial administrator Justice McRoberts reportedly yelled. “Do you have ANY IDEA what happens when someone starts applying basic math to legal outcomes in TEXAS? We’ve got 254 counties of completely inconsistent rulings! Our entire system depends on nobody noticing!”

Nebraska officials allegedly attempted to defend their containment efforts by pointing to their “perfect record” of ensuring no substantive review of Riddle’s arguments ever occurred.

“Look, we maintained a flawless system where every single oversight mechanism failed simultaneously,” explained Nebraska Ombudsman Karen Circleformer. “The evidence of our perfectly circular obstruction system is undeniable. How were we supposed to know he’d eventually try another state?”

By late afternoon, officials from seventeen states had reportedly formed an emergency “Riddle Response Task Force,” with the primary mission of developing new procedural barriers complex enough to prevent mathematical analysis from being applied to judicial outcomes.

“We’re exploring exciting innovations in jurisdictional confusion,” said task force spokesperson Amanda Venueshift. “One promising approach involves a system where cases automatically transfer to whatever court isn’t currently in session.”

THE TECH PLATFORM PANIC

The ripple effects of Riddle’s legal breakthrough reportedly spread to Silicon Valley within minutes, causing what industry insiders described as “unprecedented algorithmic indigestion” across major tech platforms.

“We’ve spent billions engineering systems that can automatically detect and remove harmful content like nipples and medical information,” said Silicon Valley executive Chip Dataworth, CEO of a company he insisted was “definitely not X Corp.” “But we never thought to protect against someone using basic logic and arithmetic. It’s a devastating zero-day exploit in our content moderation systems.”

According to sources familiar with the matter, emergency meetings were convened at major tech headquarters where executives allegedly discussed implementing immediate “truth throttling protocols” to prevent Riddle’s arguments from being shared on their platforms.

“Someone suggested we could just claim his content violated our terms of service,” said one anonymous platform engineer. “Then someone else pointed out that would require us to actually define what our terms of service mean, which would create its own logical paradox. That’s when the screaming started.”

Texas tech analyst Megabyte Messenger reportedly intercepted internal communications revealing that Nebraska-based tech moderators had been quietly throttling Riddle’s content for years through a specialized “Cornhusker Containment Algorithm.” The revelation prompted outrage from Texas platform managers.

“You had a WORKING THROTTLING SYSTEM and didn’t share the code?!” wrote one Texas-based content moderation director in a leaked message. “We’ve been letting this guy post ACTUAL FACTS about our business practices for almost 24 hours now because we didn’t know he was on the Nebraska blacklist!”

Multiple platforms reportedly deployed emergency algorithm adjustments designed to ensure that any content containing both “legal analysis” and “mathematical reasoning” would be automatically classified as “potentially harmful content” and restricted from reaching more than seven users.

THE AFTERMATH

In the hours following what commentators are calling “The Riddle Paradox,” emergency legislation was reportedly drafted to prevent anyone from ever using basic arithmetic in a courtroom again.

“We’re implementing strict ‘No Math’ policies in all federal courthouses,” said Congressional spokesperson Ellen Clausewitz. “From now on, all legal arguments must be based entirely on vibes and gut feelings, as God and the Founding Fathers intended.”

Meanwhile, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers reportedly began drafting the “Platform Logic Immunity Act,” which would explicitly exempt social media companies from having to follow principles of logical consistency.

“These companies represent billions in campaign contr— I mean, vital economic interests,” said Senator Buck Fundraiser (R-Somewhere). “If we forced them to make sense, the entire digital economy might collapse. It’s simply too risky.”

At press time, Riddle was reportedly working on a new motion that sources claim might cause the executive and legislative branches to simultaneously implode, but first planned to “take a nap and maybe watch some Netflix,” which mysteriously kept buffering despite his gigabit internet connection.

THE CELEBRATION

After allegedly dismantling 249 years of American jurisprudence in a single afternoon, Riddle was reportedly seen at a local gas station purchasing a 64 oz Mountain Dew Baja Blast and a small bottle of “very pomegranate” water flavoring, which witnesses claim he immediately began squeezing into his drink “like a 5-year-old mixing potions.”

“I asked him if he was celebrating something special,” said gas station attendant Ray Petroleum. “He just said ‘I finally got the system to divide by zero,’ while meticulously squeezing exactly 14 drops of pomegranate flavoring into his Baja Blast. When I asked why he preferred Baja Blast over Spark, he explained they were out of Spark, which was his actual favorite. Then he counted out exact change using only pennies and nickels, and left.”